Reticent Man

Not a great follow up day.
Woke up VERY tired and sore.  Eventually got around to my session.  Started off well but got tilted by some circumstances.  Ended up switching to 40-80 which was stupid, and I was down to 6 chips left and came all the way back to 1.5 racks.  Ended up losing just a couple hundred for the day.  That asian chip runner in her police custume was unbelievably hot.  I need that.

Poker Play C-
Alpha C-
Body C-
Mood D
Energy C
Motication C

Thursday was very nice.  Did a tough crossfit in the morning.  Played a session in the afternoon, ran very well and played well and won a lot.  Then had fun at hockey in the evening.

Alpha C
Poker A-
Energy B-
Mood B+
Body B+ (but sore)
Motivation B+

Solid Day.  Followed my schedule fairly easily.  Hot tub, then hockey.  I was relaxed, focused, and played very well, though I didn't catch any breaks.  Went straight to crossfit and did an easy WoD, 25 back squats, maxed at 225# and I think I can do more.  That was nice.  Then home for betting, relaxed and then went to GC for a session.  I think I had a mini realization that for poker I just need to have confidence and say that I'm going to play my best, whatever that is.  I'm not the best player, just like I'm not in hockey, but I can still make great plays and accomplish things.  Then I can be happy with the results no matter what they are.  I did make some fairly obvious mistakes though.

Alpha C
Poker B-
Energy A-
Mood B+
Body A-
Motivation/Goals B+

Kind of a chore/organization day.  Betting, laundry, some good cleaning.  Then I subbed in a softball game.  Had a terrible game, was off, and also unlucky.  But I wasn't pissed about it.  I did most of the things mentally that I needed to do to have a good game, but I didn't play well and I didn't run well.  And I took it like a good poker loss.  I avoided the mentality of needing to redouble efforts to make up for bad things that already happened. 

Alpha-wise, I apologized a lot, especially at softball.  And I took beta frames.  Less than usual for sure though, but not perfection.

I've reorganized my scheduling a little bit.

Alpha C+
Poker Play
Energy B
Mood B

Body A-
Motivation/Goals C+

It is morning on Saturday October 24, 2009.  Today is the start of my permanent Alpha maleness.

In general, getting in intellectual arguments is a beta pursuit.  Leading, teaching, guiding, are all alpha.  But persuading and philosophizing are all beta.  Wow I was like king beta wasn't I?

An old one, but it just popped into my head.

The problem with good written philosophy that will show someone the path to true happiness is that someone who has found true consistent happiness is not motivated to do the hard work of deciphering and writing down the whole thing.

The people who have written 'great' philosophy were smart but unhappy people.  So why would we want to listen to them?

Labels: Thoughts

I'm thinking of two types of happiness (and also corresponding negative feelings).  That which comes from phsycial sensations and passionless mental sensations will always be less intense.  Both the positive and negative feelings that come from passion will always be the strongest in life.

I can think of two main categories of things for a man to be passionate about.  One is a pursuit, or work towards achievement.  The other is love for other people (women, children).

Now let's turn to Alpha males.  It is easy to think about an alpha male being passionate about a pursuit of achievement and gaining happiness through it.  But what about love?  It seems on the surface at least that loving a woman is a beta act.  It is the great paradox that the beta truly loves and appreciates the company of the good woman, but directly repels her.  While the alpha attracts her, but gains a much smaller reward.


I must at this time point out that the Bill Clinton alpha type who might honestly say he loves the many women he's with does not count.  That is a different version of love than the one I'm talking about. 

Is this really the way it must be?  Can an alpha not love?  Perhaps men who don't or can't love a woman just end up being alpha because it's so much easier for them.  And maybe a man can love a woman and be alpha, but only by never truly letting her know how much he loves her.  But then how does he carry out some of the power plays on her that demonstrate his alpha-ness he if loves her?  Possibly it comes naturally to most to be temporarily upset at the ones you love, but it does not to me. 

But even as I'm writing this and thinking about it I can now visualize how it works, even for me. You can passionately love the woman without ever beta-ing.

Labels: Thoughts

I finally pinpointed the root cause of my pussification.  My feminization.  A few strong memories I have. 

1) I remember the little math quizes we were given in elementary school, a grid of simple multiplications.  You filled them in and raised your hand when you were done. (aside: this probably isn't done any more, because it's going to point out who is smart and who isn't, and nobody wants that!).  I utterly dominated this exercise, raising my hand in literally half the time of anyone else in the class (in an upper-middle class neighborhood in possibly the smartest county in the country).  I got a strong feeling of domination, confidence, power, and esteem from this fact.  I knew I was smarter than everyone else.  I can still feel that feeling.

2) Sometime around 3rd to 4th grade is really the first time I can remember my ADD causing significant problems at school.  To make a long story short, the results were that I was intensely criticized for not getting top grades commensurate with my intelligence.  I strongly remember feeling that I should be getting those grades, and wanting to get them, but not being able to.  This process strongly eroded my confidence and self-esteem.  Sure I was math-smart, but I believed, because I was told so, that success through intelligence was success in school, and since I could not achieve that, my intelligence was not particularly valuable.  This process continued more or less through college.  I believe it likely that had my accomplishment through intelligence flourished and been recognized completely throughout my youth, that my self-esteem would have flourished too, even with deficiencies in other areas (height, verbal acuity).  By 6th grade I was already strongly beta.

I will now see if I can rip away this mental programming and re-establish my self-esteem on the fundamental strength of my amazing intelligence. 

It is probably no coincidence that the only successful female relationship I've had coincided with far and away the most successful 'school/career' portion of my life.

My current learning of Game and related topics struggles because I have this solid structure of beta built up over years of training.  It's like trying to change the leaves of a tree while keeping the same trunk and branches.  Well they're obviously going to keep growing the old kind of leaves. 

After writing this I had a feeling I don't think I've had very often before, if ever.  I felt that I truly deserve at least one of the best women.  After all as the smartest/wisest man around, I am one of the top member's of the king's court.  Some say I even pull all the strings behind the curtain.  And that man gets a lot of tail.

I've said to myself and occasionally others that I'm the strongest combination of wisdom/intelligence that I've ever seen, but I don't know how much I've truly believed it.  But I believe it right now.

Labels: Personal Thoughts

Personal Day!
I true personal day, I did basically nothing.  But I started to get some strong feelings of power and happiness.  So maybe I'm on the upswing.  I'll put in a schedule for tomorrow and see how it goes.

Interesting Times right now.  Sunday I didn't get done nearly what I wanted to, but it still ended up a pretty good day.  I think my mood is dropping though.  Won in pro league, watched football, won in smallpub.

Poker Play
Energy OK
Mood poor
Body OK
Goals Unsure

On Monday starting right from the morning I could feel that sinking feeling inside of bad mood.  Sunday was a fairly good day in most respects.  Normally in the past in this situation I would have just stayed home and done nothing.  But I got myself to the gym and did the crossfit workout... a major accomplishment in my opinion.  Then I went and played poker.  Of course I started losing right from the beginning.  I hit a rush later and went uo about $5-600, but then lost some pots back to near even and my morale hit bottom.  I had to leave after 4 hours, but I had at least won $130.  Better than losing.  But my morale is really dead.  On the other hand this could be a rock bottom point where I come out of it even better than before.  I had a very vivid dream where I was writing a long letter to Fiona, explaining  all the various reason why she should pick me over some guy, I think Brian from Blair.  But at the end I remembered why I don't even want a woman like Fiona.  She was a mirage.  Maybe this is me expunging some deep down beta-ness. 

Poker Play B-
Energy Low
Mood Terrible
Motivation Poor
Body OK but pulled something
Goals Unsure

On Tuesday I feel better starting right off.  But I'm undecided as to whether to just continue right on track, or whether to embrace hitting bottom and take the old-fashioned personal day.  I cannot play poker unless I'm willing to lose the $2000 I bring.  I guess I'm palying it by ear.

Ok day.  Still didn't play poker.  But I'm going to get on to schedule next week.  Had a decent workout at the gym, a bad day betting, and then watched movies.  I had strong negative feelings throughout the day.

Poker Play
Energy OK
Mood very poor
Motivation very poor
Body OK
Goals Unsure

Men did not evolve to be happy all the time.  When man is mostly happy he does not accomplish new things because he has no motivation.  Men who evolved to be unhappy most of the time would inevitably innovate and thus conquer men who evolved to be happy.

Two of the accomplishments that are correlated most with unhappiness, music and political power, are also correlated very highly with attracting women.  The other accomplishment that is most correlated with attracting women, sporting, is still correlated somewhat with unhappiness e.g. Michael Jordon, but not as much.  The accomplishment correlated least with unhappiness, efficient wealth generation, as also the least attractive to women (though still some).  These facts correlate themselves with the evidence that women are attracted as much to passion as to success.  I have to think further about why that is.

Labels: Thoughts

Men did not evolve to be happy all the time.  When man is mostly happy he does not accomplish new things because he has no motivation.  Men who evolved to be unhappy most of the time would inevitably innovate and thus conquer men who evolved to be happy.

Two of the accomplishments that are correlated most with unhappiness, music and political power, are also correlated very highly with attracting women.  The other accomplishment that is most correlated with attracting women, sporting, is still correlated somewhat with unhappiness e.g. Michael Jordon, but not as much.  The accomplishment correlated least with unhappiness, efficient wealth generation, as also the least attractive to women (though still some).  These facts correlate themselves with the evidence that women are attracted as much to passion as to success.  I have to think further about why that is.

Of course I was born with as much passion as anyone.  Competitive to the bone, and with some (IQ) but not all (discipline, organization) of the tools to succeed.  But as I know well, my passion caused much unhappiness, and I consciously purged it to leave a passionless but happy lump.  Able to succeed enough just by natural talent, but never to succeed at the highest levels.

I also know that I was civilized outside of my control.  Civilized in a feminist way.  Is this feminization correlated with my loss of passion?  Perpendicular to it? I've thought that the unfeminized me was so raw that he could not survive in this culture.  Perhaps the feminization started first, going from age 5 to age 11.  And my feminized state clashed with my passion for male success.  At 12 I achieved my nadir of happiness and dumped my passion.

So what for the future?  I can't just regain the passion without dumping the feminism, that's a recipe for extreme unhappiness.  I am slowly but surely ripping away the feminism, and I think the best path is to continue and reinforce that process and let it proceed gradually.  Whereby I will then have the tools to achieve whatever level of success I have passion for.  And I can let the passion level regulate itself.

Labels: Personal Thoughts

I'm regaining my motivation.  I can treat the crossfit like a completion type game.  I'm just going for 50% of most WoDs. And for poker completion is 32 hours/week, starting next week.  Even with all the time off I've taken I can still play as many hours in October as I've played in other months... which is actually a little sad.

My plan is to simply complete everything between now and December 31 and then reevaluate.

Labels: Personal Thoughts

Afternoon hockey pickip, played fairly well. Had a workout with Sam right after that.  And at the end of the workout I was completely wasted.  Ended up not doing a whole lot the rest of the day.

Poker Play
Energy OK
Mood OK
Motivation Poor
Body OK
Goals Unsure

Wednesday played goalie, not great.  Went home and didn't do much.

Thursday Spent the first half of the day fooling with my computer, making only marginal gains.  Did a little betting and got raped.  Then had a fun night at hockey.  Been reading a lot of MRA/ anti-feminist stuff.   Very interesting.

Poker Play
Energy Below Avg
Mood OK
Motivation Very Poor
Body OK some soreness
Goals Getting better

Monday was ok.  Did some betting, won big with the Dolphins, went to the gym, played poker for the first time in 4 days.  I sat down and posted and lost a medium pot.  Then I relaxed at home.

poker Play B
Energy Avg
Mood ok
Motivation bad
Body OK
Goals unsure

Tuesday
Pouring rain and very windy today.  Slept in and was groggy, got a very late start to the day.  Eventually went to the gym and did a nice crossfit, then put in a 3 hour session.... poker is still blah.  Went home and relaxed.

Poker Play C+
Energy Below Avg
Mood medium
Motivation poor
Body getting sore
Goals unsure

Workout in the morning was solid. But my mood and energy were both very low in the afternoon so I skipped my planned return to poker and just did other things.

Poker Play
Energy Below Avg
Mood poor
Motivation poor
Body OK
Goals OK

Another intentionally wasted day.  Lost a fair bit betting CFB and NHL, which is annoying.  I think I'm ready to get back into things.  Watched The Hustler, which was an entertaining movie.  I think I've got myself set up to hustle nicely now.   I scheduled out Sunday, which feels good.  My backlog of chores and other things to do is almost non-existent.  My body is a little sore which is troubling, but we'll see.  I'm setting a tough workout schedule for the week and hopefully the supplements will keep me energized.  I cut my hair shorter than ever before, and with a short mohawk pattern.  I think I like it.

Poker Play
Energy below average
Mood OK
Motivation N/A
Body sore
Goals Unsure

Wasted day, as planned.  Played pickup goalie at lunchtime.  Played fairly well although I got a lot less of the action, beat Marc R by about 7 goals.  The rest of the day I just didn't do much.  Bet some sports for a small profit and watched 2 movies, Prizzi's honor, which I thought was very boring, and The Abyss, which was pretty good despite being a 24 year old special effects movie.  I would have liked to see the director's cut ending, although I don't know if I'd sit through the movie again to watch it.

Poker Play
Energy OK
Mood OK
Motivation N/A
Body Getting sore
Goals Unsure

Pretty good day for a break from poker.  I'm still fighting the cold by staying warm, it may be working.  I relaxed most of the day.... did a lot of betting which I'm enjoying.  Then I went to hockey.  Hockey was pretty good.  I got worked by Jens while subbing for another team against his team.  I was pretty upset about it, but I think I've learned how to deal with him now so I shouldn't have a problem in the future.  At night Vince dropped by to sleep over for his early flight in the morning out of SJC to Philly.  I did not offer to drive him to the airport at 4am, which I think is fair.  I was unhappy with how he used me for his apartment move.

I have noticed a definite something with the supplements I'm taking.  I have more energy, I don't get sleepy while sitting in front of the tv watching sports.  Let's see if that continues.  Also I forgot to take them late after hockey last night.  I am sore this morning but not too bad, let's see how hockey goes.

Poker Play
Energy Very Good
Mood OK
Motivation N/A
Body Good
Goals Unsure

k6 bb 5wlimp. 986cc I led c r ic c qc I cf. Butt had k7cc
A9o l I r bb c c 752 c c I b c c 8 c c I c 9 b r I f c 64 and 86
87s sb l l I c Q86sss I b c 5h I b r I c 9c I c b I c him Q8. Raise turn? Raise river?
99 utg I r bb c agg guy a53 c b c J c I c A c I b? R I c? Him KT
Utg r I AK 3b sb c bb c A66cc c c c I b utg r I c 6 b I c should have raise. 9 c I b he fold
Butt TT l I r bb c c Q84hh c I b r f I c 5h b I f
44 bb butt r c I c 542 c c c 9 sb b I r f c Q c b c I win
99 sb co r I 3b T75cc b f
55 l l I l r c c c c 543 cs 6 I b and win
Aq l I r butt c c aq2ddd b r I c 2 I chrs he folds
88 l I r bb c c. AAQ c c b f c X c c X c c he has Q6
AK r c I 3 c c T96 c c ib c c T c c c J c c c AQ AJ. Good no bet on turn
Jj l l I r c c AQ4ss c c b r I c should have folded Th c b callin. He has A9
56ss lllr I bbc 986dd I bet?!? C c c r ccc Qd I cf JT beats AA

Damn it.
Played hockey well, with my new pads.  I still haven't figured them out but my motivation and focus were in good shape.  I hung out at home for a couple hours and then went to put in a decent session.  I went up quickly, but later on I lost a few pots, and when I lost AA on an AKQ flop to a guy who led the flop with J9 I started to notice tilt so I left.  My game is still not great right now and my confidence is low.  I received much advice to take a break so I'm going to do it, despite the fact that it really hurts my plan to mass hours in October.

I think what I need to do is buy in deeper, and play longer and just know that I'm going to fuck up so I won't sweat and tilt the mistakes that I make.

Poker Play B-
Energy Good
Mood Poor
Motivation Poor
Body Good
Goals Unsure

I've been making steady progress lately.  I think my level of organization is incredible and positive.  And the stuff I'm doing for my body is going to be very good.  I think I've put myself in a position to be a better more consistent poker player over the long run, even though the results recently have been poor.  Today was a fairly major setback in that area, but I should realize that I always progress in this way.  And when I recover from this setback I will likely be at a higher level than I was before.  The goal of playing my A game most of the time and actually running well is still in sight, and when that happens I will be a monster.

Labels: Personal Thoughts

Got to GC to put in an hour and a half before my workout... ran even.
After my workout I took creatine, glutamine, and protein for the first time.  I don't know if it's placebo or what but I have a ton of energy right now, muscle and body.  This could be really really good.  I'm going to watch the caps game and then play poker later, but I might bike during.

Went to play poker and for some reason I just played like shit.  Worst I've played in a long time.  My energy flagged and I should have taken the 5 hour, but that wasn't the only thing.  I was probably -EV today even though the game was great.

It's somewhat possible it's just the cold, in which case I might need a break, which sucks because I was just getting back into 30+ hours/week.

Poker Play D
Energy From Great to Poor
Mood From Great to Poor
Motivation ? Ok I guess
Body Good
Goals Unsure.

Watched TV in the morning and took Jim to the airport.  I've been able to feel myself coming down with a cold since at least sunday.  Put in a quick session at Bay, 2 hours tiny win. Hey a win!  Tough hands,

1) UTG +1 raises 1 loose coldcall, I call BB with ATo.  Q88 he bets we call.  Turn rag check bet call. Turn rag check bet call.  I sensed he was weak, and I dont think he value bets low pair that often.  I didn't consider whether he'd 'bluff' with AK-AJ, I figured he'd check those behind.  He had AJ. 

2) I open KJs UTG+1.  UTG+2 3!, 2 cold calls, I call.  Axx check around. Turn x check around. River K.  I should have bet this, because anything better bets.  Unless I'm going to fold, which I didn't.  Cold caller bets, another calls, and I overcall.  Bettor has KQ good.

3) I have SB on button, call 1.5 more bets for a multiway pot with 65, small blind 3!.  J42 I call two?!  J42J I consider laying down for 1 because I might be drawing dead, but call.  River 9, MP has 22 I was drawing dead.

Paid rent, took care of some odds and ends.  Went to GC in the evening and played for another 3 hours, finally booking a nice win.  I let my car keys fall out of my jacket though, and had to wait 30 minutes for security to finish its box change so one of them could go get them from the lost and found.

I am definitely getting sick.

Poker Play A-
Energy Good
Mood Medium (could be good but runbad is wearing on me)
Motivation Great
Body Good (slight back stiffness, haven't been working out much)
Goals Solid.

Saturday I hung out at home for a bit and then went to GC for poker.  Neal was there in a great 20 game, and Jesse and DVS were there too.  Unfortunately I got killed quickly and had to leave after just over an hour.  So I went home and did nothing all day.

Poker Play A
Energy Medium
Mood Good
Motivation Great
Body Medium
Goals Solid

Sunday I watched NFL all day of course, didn't even bother trying to get the skins game. Ended up making a couple hundred betting.  Played in a crappy league game at Vallco but I got to test Marc's leg pads which was nice.  I think I'm going to buy them even though it felt really weird.  Went to Chili's for 'birthday' dinner.

Energy Medium
Mood Good
Motivation Great
Body Good
Goals Solid

Played goalie, fairly well but not completely great.  Then did some chores and played poker in the evening for 5 hours.  Played my A- game but still lost.  I'm am finally really learning about variance.  And I am learning that my winrate was probably not as high as I thought it was.  I need to play better and I can play better so that I take advantage of run-good more than I was before.

Poker Play A-
Energy Medium
Mood Good as can be with constant losing
Motivation Great
Body Medium (back sore)
Goals solid

Went to play poker mid-morning.  Had a short but interesting conversation with Captain R aka Ray aka Pete.  Then sat and played great poker for 3.5 hours and busted 3 racks.  I felt ok about it I guess, but I need to start winning.

Went home early, watched the Capitals dominate the Bruins on opening day, and then when to hockey.  Hockey was a lot of fun, Thursday is getting faster paced and I'm happy with my game.

Poker Play A
Energy good
Mood good
Motivation great
Body good
Goals solid

Played lunch hockey, played well.  Developed my motivation technique.  The goal is my woman or my woman's pussy, and the other players are other men, and the puck is their dicks or sperm.  Seems to work well.  Hung out with Tracy a bit in the afternoon, then had a decent but short workout with Sam.  Then played 3 horus of poker, played my A game at a sick good table, but couldn't put anything together.

Poker Play A
Energy good
Mood good
Motivation great
Body medium
Goals solid