Reticent Man

I finally pinpointed the root cause of my pussification.  My feminization.  A few strong memories I have. 

1) I remember the little math quizes we were given in elementary school, a grid of simple multiplications.  You filled them in and raised your hand when you were done. (aside: this probably isn't done any more, because it's going to point out who is smart and who isn't, and nobody wants that!).  I utterly dominated this exercise, raising my hand in literally half the time of anyone else in the class (in an upper-middle class neighborhood in possibly the smartest county in the country).  I got a strong feeling of domination, confidence, power, and esteem from this fact.  I knew I was smarter than everyone else.  I can still feel that feeling.

2) Sometime around 3rd to 4th grade is really the first time I can remember my ADD causing significant problems at school.  To make a long story short, the results were that I was intensely criticized for not getting top grades commensurate with my intelligence.  I strongly remember feeling that I should be getting those grades, and wanting to get them, but not being able to.  This process strongly eroded my confidence and self-esteem.  Sure I was math-smart, but I believed, because I was told so, that success through intelligence was success in school, and since I could not achieve that, my intelligence was not particularly valuable.  This process continued more or less through college.  I believe it likely that had my accomplishment through intelligence flourished and been recognized completely throughout my youth, that my self-esteem would have flourished too, even with deficiencies in other areas (height, verbal acuity).  By 6th grade I was already strongly beta.

I will now see if I can rip away this mental programming and re-establish my self-esteem on the fundamental strength of my amazing intelligence. 

It is probably no coincidence that the only successful female relationship I've had coincided with far and away the most successful 'school/career' portion of my life.

My current learning of Game and related topics struggles because I have this solid structure of beta built up over years of training.  It's like trying to change the leaves of a tree while keeping the same trunk and branches.  Well they're obviously going to keep growing the old kind of leaves. 

After writing this I had a feeling I don't think I've had very often before, if ever.  I felt that I truly deserve at least one of the best women.  After all as the smartest/wisest man around, I am one of the top member's of the king's court.  Some say I even pull all the strings behind the curtain.  And that man gets a lot of tail.

I've said to myself and occasionally others that I'm the strongest combination of wisdom/intelligence that I've ever seen, but I don't know how much I've truly believed it.  But I believe it right now.

Labels: Personal Thoughts