Reticent Man

I had the easy life, happy and passionless.  I didn't have to spend time scheduling myself.  I could easily thrive in many ways but there were certain things I would not achieve.

I chose to change to a harder life.  Now I must regiment myself, organize myself completely to get done the things I need to get done.  I have room for passion.  And I have the ability to improve myself.

My goals at this time are:
1) Optimize organization and schedule to maximize poker/work time while fitting in an effective athleticism regimen and regular relaxation time plus some vacation.
2) Play poker at an ever better level
3) Win lots of money
4) Achieve greater athleticism
5) Achieve more consistent energy, especially in social situations
6) Achieve greater social power.  I have all of the knowledge necessary for this
7) Then, find woman.

Labels: Personal Thoughts

Monday I had a boring but decent session, winning exactly my hourly rate.  Then I played well at soccer and was happy about that.
Poker play B+
Energy medium
Mood good
Motivation medium
Body Very Good
Goals In mind

Tuesday I got pounded pretty hard at poker.  September has just really sucked.  Had a very tasty dinner at the expensive Arcadia restaurant at the San Jose Marriott.  Lobster corn dogs, Chicken Mac & cheese, and cho cake.  At night I found some very interesting female misogynist writings. 
Poker play B
Energy very high
Mood pretty good except for poker loss
Motivation very high
Body good
Goals in Mind

Wednesday I played goalie poorly, had a weak workout with Sam, in which I was off, and then got lazy and didn't play poker.  Not a strong performance.

Thursday I picked up Jim, had a decent poker session, and played 1 hockey game in which we blew out the other team 11-1 and I scored a goal with 5 seconds left (3 goals total).

Friday I played goalie and was totally worthless... worst I've performed in as long as I can remember.  I went and played poker for a bit but wasn't into it.

Saturday I watched TV, then went to play poker for 4 hours, played ok but not great, and then went home and we went to watch the hangover.

Sunday I watched NFL all day, and had a decent betting day.  At my workout with Sam I was on fire.... tons of energy and skill.  I'm excited for the coming week now.

But... I really really need to figure out this up and down thing, it's killing me.

The reason I've always been so subject to friendly

Monday was ok. Stuck to schedule, my play is up and down but good enough. Soccer was uninspiring.  Tuesday was also ok.  Had a record number of premium starting hands but was near even all day.  My play again was only mediocre.  Was sitting next to Jesse and he mentioned his softball game and he needed another player.  So I played and had a lot of fun.  A walk and a pop-out, and 3 catches but one ball hit over my head.  I might play with those guys in the future.

Cut my session short but obviously for a good reason.  September continues to be blah.

At least half the time that people are angry at you they are actually angry at themselves and are displacing it on you.

Labels: Thoughts

Saturday and Sunday were satisfactory.  Saturday I had no trouble playing 7 hours and keeping up the energy/play level.  It wasnt my A+ game, but maybe a solid A-.  I also did a good job not tilting into overplay mode against the two aggressive/tricky/good scumbags that were at my table.  And of course it helped to run good, winning 1260.  Near the end I had this hand.  I open in the cutoff with JTcc.  Button and poster fold, scumbag in smallblind (SB) calls and BB calls.  SB puts in 7 chips as he has been repeatedly doing all day.  He usually waits about 10-15 seconds and then tosses in the 8th chip.  This time the dealer dragged in the chips and he never threw in the 8th.  As she was dragging I said "are you sure there are 8 chips there?" She said "yes".  Now the pot was combined, and I said "I think I saw us being short one, can you please count it and I'll apologize if I'm wrong".  She said "you don't have to apologize".  She counted the pot and we were short, and she said "Ok but who was short?"  I quickly said "Seat 2", the scumbag obviously.  He had a wry smile on his face and tossed in a chip.  He then bet in the dark!!  The flop was K32 two spades.  BB folded and I called.  Turn 4o.  He checks I check.  If I blanked the river I was going to have to bluff because I cant show down jack high.  Thankfully the river was a T and he bets I call and he shows Q7o for nothing.

Poker night at the Yuen's was decent.  I forgot to bring anything but did all the dealing.  I had decent alpha for a while, but faded energy which is understandable.  Sunday I placed some light bets and won a little, the skins won albeit weakly, and I did my weekly chores.  My 32 hours for the week is a record, and something I think I can repeat and build on.  And after all the up and down it was a $2k winner.

The idea of satisfaction is underrated.  Maybe because of all those polls where 'satisfactory' is the default bad option.  You can only be excited for a limited amount of time, but you can be satisfied forever. 

Labels: Thoughts

Well.
I said I wasn't going to play 40-80 until my roll reached 20k.  But on Thursday I played for under 2 hours in the 20, and won close to 3 racks.  An enormous fish, raising preflop more than 50% of the time left and went to the must move 40-80 game, which also included another of the 10 worst players I've ever played against, as well as some other mediocre players.  So with a win buffered, and a good week going I decided to take the shot. 

As usual I was uncomfortable at 40, and didn't play very well. I overplayed some hands.  I also ran like shit, and lost quickly and brutally.  I ended up down a rack and a half in just an hour.  I wish I could just break even in 40-80 for 10 hours or so, just to get a comfort level there, but no, I must get raped every single time.  So I had to go home early and kind of waste the day.  Hockey was pretty good though.

On Friday I finally played a decent goalie and was feeling good.  I went to bay and ran terrible and lost a fair amount.  I was playing pretty well but I got really manic and energized for no reason that I can figure.  Near the end even as I was coming back I probably overplayed more hands in my manic state.  Somewhere in there is an energized state that doesnt overplay hands that is an incredible poker player.  I need to find that state.  I couldnt sleep until 4am which was no surprise.

I'm putting in the hours at poker now, but neglecting working out.  On Saturday I'm going to try playing, then leaving for a gym break, then playing again, and then I'm going to George Yuen's for his poker night.  I should be able to get in at least 6 hours.

When you know what you want, you're going to be happy whether you get it or not.
When you don't know what you want, you're never going to be happy no matter how much of anything you get.

Labels: Thoughts

Tuesday worked out fairly well.  Got to Bay 101 and seated by 10:50am. 4:20 session and won 1.1k.  Then went to PG and met Sam for some Olympic lifting training.  It's amazing how technically difficult o-lifting is compared to how simple it looks.  I got home at 5:30 and just wasted the rest of the day, which was fine.  Watched a fairly large spider spend a couple hours building a huge web outside my window.

A Fish called Wanda was pretty good.  The comedy isn't really dated like I thought it might be.

I've planned an ambitious schedule for the rest of the week. If I fill it then I should have over 30 hours played this week which would be a nice record. I'll also have hard excercise every day.

Somewhat of a tough day, but a winner nonetheless.  Was up big early, up to +1600 at one point, and lost it all in a 45 minute stretch.  I definitely made a couple mistakes during that stretch too.  Ended up still winning small though, so not a disaster.  Workout with Sam was rescheduled until tomorrow because PG was packed and there was a class taking over the area we were going to use.

Been very beta lately.  May try to go alpha again for a while to see how it goes.  Tomorrow should be a 5ish hour session starting real early and then a Sam workout. at around 4.  Then I'll have some free time late.

Sunday wasn't the best.  I played the NFL, made what I know were some good bets, and went 0 for everything.  Money wise a medium loss but it's highly annoying.  I'm not going to put any more money into the thing though, I'm just going to try to build the investment back up.

Watching the football was great though, even if the Redskins lost easily to a great team.  I still don't know if they are going to suck this year yet.

I guess during NFL season Sunday might turn into a day off.  Monday I'm ready for a 6 hour session and a workout with Sam in the evening.

Slept in longer than usual so I got a late start. Plan 6 hours of poker, then drop by PG for a crossfit workout.

Got to Bay at 1, got a seat at 1:30 and played until 7. Had one lol hand.

And a few very nice suckouts for a $1675 victory. Then I went to PG and did some Crossfit.  After warmup I did 3 sets of walking lunges with 30 lbs, and pullups with 64lb assist.  Also a little box jumping.  I'm unable to complete the offical WoDs as prescribed unfortunately.  They are really hard.

On the drive home I had a few thoughts about myself.  I know that I have a natural alpha personality that has been civilized out of me to be replaced by a very very beta personality.  And I've been thinking about how and also whether to try to peel back the beta and expose the alpha.  I've considered in the past the possibility that my beta programming is so strong precisely because my natural alpha has some very strong elements that are incompatible with society.  Of course all young boys do crazy things like public penis until they are civilized.  But I can remember some thoughts and even actions of much more extreme behavior that's perhaps not universal.

Now I know that after the Connecticut to San Antonio roadtrip I had a more alpha thing going for a while.  Some of the posture/voice/eye basics that I've had to focus on were now subconcious.  And my style and other actions were more that way too.  But I could also see evidence in my actions and thoughts of somewhat extreme behavior.  This alpha'd version of me basically acts on whatever I want that I can morally defend (an important part), regardless of how it is going to affect other people's opinion of me.  And this logic, taken to the end does lead to some extreme behavior.  

On the one hand, I don't think I have to worry about truly evil or sociopathic behavior, because I still know what is right and what is wrong (in a way that I didn't when I was say 6).  But there is evidence that I can act like an enormous prick.  And it's not clear that the overall change is even close to for the better.  It will certainly help me with women.  But it will possibly hurt me everywhere else, even in the corporate world when I go back, despite the reputation of alpha>beta there.  It also may either cause, or be caused by, or in some other way correlate with unhappiness.  Certainly I was very unhappy after telling Felicia truthfully and calmy exactly what I thought of her refereeing.  But I guess I will explore it, because that's my nature.

Regarding sociopathy.  I have always known that I have a lot of empathy and sympathy.  Sociopathy as I understand it, is essentially a complete lack of sympathy.  Well when I have been feeling alpha, I have noticed a very distinct lack of sympathy in myself.  And perhaps that's the crux of the whole thing.  Maybe what sets me apart is my inability to be anywhere but the edge of any continuum.  So since no sympathy was unworkable my "civilization" was going to full sympathy.  If I dump it now I will be a sociopath, albeit not an evil murderous one.

Interesting Day:  I went to Bay just for a 3 hour session, and I got rocked for the second day in a row.  I was feeling so bad I wanted to hurt something.  First hand EP raises KTo, I 3bet QQ in the big blind, flop KJ9 I don't improve.  Final hand, I raise AKo under the gun, SB and BB call. Flop AQT, I bet both call.  Turn J (yay I improved!) SB donks his K4o, nice hand sir.  BB actually called which was hilarious, at least I made 4 more chips than I should have. I almost cancelled my workout with Sam, but ended up having a good one. 

Then I sat down to look at some history to try to make myself feel better.  I'm still $65/hr lifetime winner at 20/40, which is higher than the supposed maximum.  The reason why this recent losing streak is affecting me so much is because I failed to put in enough hours in July and August.  I knew I was failing at the time but since I was running well I didn't focus on it.  But now it's come back to bite me.

What I need to focus on is that my roll is still higher than it was when I started, and my winrate is still good.  I just need to put in real professional hours and when I run good again I'll be rolling.  I will start tomorrow by feeling good and putting in at least 7 hours.  I will also Crossfit.

Well hockey was pretty good last night.  I had my legs, played decently, scored one nice goal, and went 2-0.

I guess I need to get right back on the horse.  My poker confidence is low but that's not necessarily a bad thing. No Crossfit again because I have a workout with Sam at 7:45.

So much for life is good.  Yesterday was terrible.  I was stiff and sore driving to hockey and then I played awful.  At one point the puck rolled in on me and I covered it with my glove and this guy said "nice save".  He meant it nicely.  In the locker room a guy said "I've seen you play better".

Then I went to poker and played badly for the second day in a row.  I also ran like shit.  Looking back on the $1500 loss a lot more of it came from running badly than playing badly, but it's still annoying.  Probably the first time I've been on tilt in a year.  Playing bad is the only thing that causes me to go on tilt.

I skipped crossfit because of the shittiness, which is fine because it was a stretch anyways.

Anyways, I'm going to keep grinding today.  Try to put in a 5-6 hour session before hockey. I need to stop trying to play perfectly and just play very well.  Scratch the session, spending the morning getting other stuff done, like setting up my matchbook account for NFL betting.

Life is good.  My thoughts now are how to integrate crossfit into my sports schedule.  I can't take a crossfit rest day every time I have something else going on because that's too many rest days.  But doing a WoD and a sport in the same day is tough because it's killer and because it usually doesn't leave much room for a poker session.  I have goalie pickup today 12-1, which "replaces" the normal time I'd work out.  But I kind of have to skip crossfit tomorrow because of skating hockey.  So what I'm going to do is play goalie, put in a session until 6:30, and then go to PG and do today's WoD.  I should be able to get in at least a 4 hour session, which will do.

I need to straighten out my NFL betting situation today as well.

Eric is pretty set right now.  He's got a good living situation and a lot of friends in MD, so I don't expect him to move anywhere.

Fooled around a little too long in the morning. Got workout done and to bay by 1:10. So I will stay until 7:10. Session started out great when I posted, got 65o, called a raise and flopped 987 to crack aces. But it's a long day so we will see.  Was up max 700 at one point.  Played 6 hours in total and lost..... 9 dollars.

Crossfit: sets of 21 15 9 of cleans and then dips. Did the cleans at 95lbs and dips with 64lb assist. Pretty hard.

Not a great day.  Did the fantasy auction, talked to Eric, and worked out ok, went to Garden City for poker and then went to Bay 101 but realized when I got there I only had GC chips.  Since I didnt really want to play anyway I went home having played only 1.5 hours.  I partially made up for it by going to Target for supplies and washing my car.

However I need to schedule more grind this week and stick to it.  Tomorrow my schedule is clear so I will get to Bay before 12:30pm and play until 7:00pm.

Crossfit: 6 times 400m run and 25 burpees.  Replaced running with medium biking.  Did about 100 burpees and biking alternated for 30 minutes, it was a solid but not killer workout.

Well I guess you could call what I've been doing a dedicated grind. I put in about 90 hours in both July and August, which averages to about 20 hours a week, not 25. On the other hand I made about $70/hr during that time so my overall profit was more than acceptable.

September has started out slowly. My mood was soured by some hockey related incidents and I had a few losing days in a row. But starting today I plan to be back on track. I also plan to really get into the Crossfit thing.

Today I have a fantasy football draft at 11:00am, and I'm going to be prepared to go directly after that to PG (my gym) and do yesterday's WOD, and from there to Bay 101 for a solid 5 or 6 hour session.

My overall grind status is pretty good, despite the expected and experienced laziness. My list of things to do is shorter than usual. I've been proactive and not procrastinative about chores for the first time ever in my life, which is weird and unexplained. I've also had more energy which is unexplained. My apartment could be cleaner but it's not cluttered. My roll has risen from it's starting balance due to my above expected winrate, despite some large disbursements for car repairs.

The plan remains to increase the roll from 10k to 20k before ever stepping into a 40-80 game. I've made it about half way there in 2 months.

However I've been reading Jesse's blog http://jessetakesashot.blogspot.com/. Although right now my winrate is a little higher than his, my monthly winrate is lower because he is putting in far more hours. I really need to put in a consistent 30 hours a week at this thing so that I can get up to the 40/80 level. At that point I'll be able to evaluate the real long term viability of what I'm doing.

On the subject of Jesse, it's really amazing to me how much I disagree with him about almost everything. I definitely believe he wins at the rate he says he does, which is a good winrate. But almost every time he posts about a hand of poker I disagree with the way he played his hand. Of course this is helped by the fact that he only posts interesting hands.... he doesn't post about the time he had aces, raised it, and bet/bet/bet. But even still a lot of the actions he takes for granted I think are ridiculous. For example, he's playing in a loose passive game holding KTs in the big blind, 5 people limp including the small blind, and he raises it up! His theory is that he has a straight equity advantage over the limping ranges of the other 5 players. I still think the play is bad. I'll concede his hand has an equity advantage over those ranges, but it's really really small. Any postflop equity advantage we have by being a better player can be realized just as easily by checking and seeing a flop than by raising, and in fact I'd argue my general opponents playing style becomes more correct the larger the pot so we may be reducing our postflop advantage. We're also giving ourselves a postflop disadvantage by tying ourselves to a bigger pot when we're playing out of position. Having checked I can check fold some thin draws giving up a small pot whereas you might have to check/call or bet at the bigger pot and you're still playing the turn OOP.

The value of deception is very small since the odds of winning this 5 way pot without showdown are incredibly small. The metagame of being able to raise a lot more preflop without premium hands I guess has some small value but it can't really be that large. People dont think I'm a maniac and I still get paid off. And finally even if after all this there's the tiniest of tiny +EV for making this raise, the variance we have added to our game is much much higher. And that makes it clearly not worth it in my opinion.

Almost everything I've said about raising KTs from the BB can be said also about limping 97s or even 98s under the gun just because we expect a large multiway pot. That kind of thing also bring to mind another disagreement I have with Jesse and the 2+2 limit crowd in general. They seem to view a lot of the situations in a best case scenario, without taking into account possibly rare but disastrous contingencies. Yes it may be true that 80% of the hands go off 5 way or more at your table, and you can then calculate that 97s will be very marginally +EV in a 5 way pot OOP. But that ignores the times when the tight passive player right to your left wakes up with QQ and the lag to his left 3 bets him with AJ or 88 and now you've lit your entire limp on fire because most of the time you really should fold here even though you won't.

Another example of wishful thinking is a post that Jesse made recently where it was one bet to him on the flop with an enormous pot and some very thin backdoor draws (I think Q9s on a T42 1 of his suit board). If you went and calculated all of his draws as good, against the price of one bet and the price of calling on the turn, he had odds to peel on the flop. The problem was that the one player behind him on the flop who hadn't acted yet, was the pre-flop raiser on the button. They were totally dismissing the possibility of the button raising here, which imo is at least 20-30%. Almost all players are going to raise any overpair or T, and a lot of them will raise with a lot more. Having to pay another bet on the flop even 25% of the time kills your odds for the peel right off, and that's nevermind if it gets 3 bet. There's also the huge addition to your variance yet again. Jesse in particular seems overly obsessed with being involved in huge pots.

I prefer a much simpler, tighter, smaller variance approach. I'm happy to only get my money in when it's solidly +EV. I may be passing up some small +EV, but I'm probably also avoiding some -EV that he doesnt realize. And it makes the limit rollercoaster more like Scooby-Doo than the corkscrew of death. In all honestly though, I think I play more +EV poker, at least at 20-40 than Jesse does.