Reticent Man

Slept in longer than usual so I got a late start. Plan 6 hours of poker, then drop by PG for a crossfit workout.

Got to Bay at 1, got a seat at 1:30 and played until 7. Had one lol hand.

And a few very nice suckouts for a $1675 victory. Then I went to PG and did some Crossfit.  After warmup I did 3 sets of walking lunges with 30 lbs, and pullups with 64lb assist.  Also a little box jumping.  I'm unable to complete the offical WoDs as prescribed unfortunately.  They are really hard.

On the drive home I had a few thoughts about myself.  I know that I have a natural alpha personality that has been civilized out of me to be replaced by a very very beta personality.  And I've been thinking about how and also whether to try to peel back the beta and expose the alpha.  I've considered in the past the possibility that my beta programming is so strong precisely because my natural alpha has some very strong elements that are incompatible with society.  Of course all young boys do crazy things like public penis until they are civilized.  But I can remember some thoughts and even actions of much more extreme behavior that's perhaps not universal.

Now I know that after the Connecticut to San Antonio roadtrip I had a more alpha thing going for a while.  Some of the posture/voice/eye basics that I've had to focus on were now subconcious.  And my style and other actions were more that way too.  But I could also see evidence in my actions and thoughts of somewhat extreme behavior.  This alpha'd version of me basically acts on whatever I want that I can morally defend (an important part), regardless of how it is going to affect other people's opinion of me.  And this logic, taken to the end does lead to some extreme behavior.  

On the one hand, I don't think I have to worry about truly evil or sociopathic behavior, because I still know what is right and what is wrong (in a way that I didn't when I was say 6).  But there is evidence that I can act like an enormous prick.  And it's not clear that the overall change is even close to for the better.  It will certainly help me with women.  But it will possibly hurt me everywhere else, even in the corporate world when I go back, despite the reputation of alpha>beta there.  It also may either cause, or be caused by, or in some other way correlate with unhappiness.  Certainly I was very unhappy after telling Felicia truthfully and calmy exactly what I thought of her refereeing.  But I guess I will explore it, because that's my nature.

Regarding sociopathy.  I have always known that I have a lot of empathy and sympathy.  Sociopathy as I understand it, is essentially a complete lack of sympathy.  Well when I have been feeling alpha, I have noticed a very distinct lack of sympathy in myself.  And perhaps that's the crux of the whole thing.  Maybe what sets me apart is my inability to be anywhere but the edge of any continuum.  So since no sympathy was unworkable my "civilization" was going to full sympathy.  If I dump it now I will be a sociopath, albeit not an evil murderous one.